Technology (iphones, etc)

It sounds like you share a “family plan” with your husband. Putting parental control on your iphone can mean a number of different things based on who your carrier is and whether he’s using controls available though your cell phone carrier (ATT/Verizon/etc), or whether he’s using a third party app. Whether it’s legal is sticky and could be debatable based upon the state you’re in. However, this sounds like controlling behavior and possibly stalking-type behavior since it may be allowing him to keep tabs on you. Because I don’t know exactly the type of software he’s using, you may want to assume that he can access your voicemail, every text message you send, and possibly listen into your calls. Assume that he can access everything you do on your phone.

If you feel like it’s safe enough (he won’t try to hurt you if he finds out), you can try to find out if he’s using a product provided by your phone carrier, by calling them and asking if there’s any parental controls on your phone. Depending upon how the account is set up, they may or may not give you the information. If the account is in his name, they might not release that info. And, this is VERY IMPORTANT - he might receive a text message telling him that someone just called inquiring about the account.

If you need a phone that you know is private from him, one option may be to try to buy a phone that you add prepaid minutes to (like a tracfone or boost or virgin mobile). If you think it’s safe to do so, you may decide to not let him know that you have it, which might mean keeping that phone at work or at a friend’s house. However, if you think that he may become violent or abusive if he found out that you kept the phone from him, then you may want to reconsider.

If you have additional questions about technology, I urge you to call our technology safety project at the National Network to End Domestic Violence (from a safe phone – like a pay phone or a phone at a friend’s house) and they may be able to help. The number is 202-543-5566 x117.

In terms of whether this is part of a pattern of abusive behavior, you may want to check out our page on Am I being abused? here: http://womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=38 It has a checklist with symptoms of abuse. Here is a link for local programs where you may want to seek support though a support group or perhaps individual counseling to help you decide what the best options for you are at this point: LINK